If Only in My Dreams by Carrie Aarons

Author:Carrie Aarons [Aarons, Carrie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Goodreads: 58990463
Publisher: #PrB.rating#4.58
Published: 2021-11-30T00:00:00+00:00

19

Porter

“Wanting you wasn’t the problem. Deep down, I wanted more. I almost told you I loved you.”

I never, in a million years, thought I’d be sharing this with her. I swore to keep it locked away, take it to my grave. I talked myself out of happiness, and it was possibly one of the worst decisions I ever made.

“It was after senior prom, you remember, at that house in the Poconos.” I was too much of a coward to ask her to be my date, but had no problem fucking her the entire weekend after.

“Of course I remember. I wanted you to ask me to the prom so badly I ached,” she whispers, her eyes both sad and reminiscent in the dim glow of the parking lot lights.

“I’m sorry about that. I was a gutless coward.” Because I didn’t want her to get attached, and confirming something in public would have given her ideas.

“You were.” She nods, smirking.

“Anyway, on the second day, after a marathon of drinking and then you in my room all night, we woke up in bed together. It was the first time we’d really done that. Usually it was one of us sneaking out of the other’s house or leaving from a party. You were sleeping in my arms, so peaceful, and at that moment, I realized there was no one in the world I knew better than you. I’d been keeping you at arm’s length, treating you like crap and not committing. But we really did know each other. I knew you were always too cold, even in the summer. I knew that you loved Adele before she got mega-popular—you had her poster on your bedroom wall. I knew that you preferred cheap beer to sugary wine coolers, couldn’t stand when people bragged about money, loved when it would thunder and lightning so loud it lit up the whole room, and loved your family in subtle ways. You picked up your brother from football practice almost every day in the fall so your mom didn’t have to. You were the kind of person who volunteered to help teachers set up their classrooms, or babysit their little kids, so they had time to do that. I may not have given you the respect of a relationship you deserved, but I knew you so well in those stolen moments over the years.”

Tears shine in Madison’s eyes, and she’s shaking her head like she can’t believe I noticed any of it.

“At that moment, this overwhelming tightness squeezed my chest. It felt like I was looking at the entire solar system, right there in your peaceful face. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that I loved you. To admit I’d been a fool, that you were the most spectacular human I’d ever met. And then someone came clattering back into the house, yelling about the Jell-O shots being ready in the kitchen, and I chickened out. Fuck, I really was a coward back then. I broke

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